folder Filed in Advice, FrontPage, LGBT Issues, Op-Ed, Relationships
Marriage Changes EVERYTHING
GYO Relationships Are Particularly Venerable to Attack and Sabotage. Can Marriage Really Help?
By Fritz GYO Founder comment 2 Comments

All relationships are tested by family and friends at different times. GYO relationships are particularly venerable because older groups with strong long lasting ties are being united with younger groups. It can become problematic when factions of those groups attempt pull preference based on age, seniority or youth when the age gap is too much for them to accept. Sometimes people even relegate the younger to being a ‘child’ hanging out with adults. It’s common… We hear a lot about when families and friends are cool, but what about when they aren’t and you’re married?

You can form a long term relationship, be monogamous, have a house together, share bank accounts, living wills, even a domestic partnership, and still not accomplish what a marriage does.

Gay Young Old Marriage Changes EVERYTHING!
Marriage Changes EVERYTHING!

Legally, It’s forbidden for an outside party to attempt to compel a spouse to testify against the other spouse. This is referred to as spousal immunity or marital privilege. So in the eyes of the law, married couples are different and special. In terms of the state, money and tax burdens are shared, assets combined, and couples get control over medical choices should one become compromised. Socially, families are joined and sometimes names are swapped, but the social contract doesn’t end there.

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Marriage is not just a legal document that allows all this to happen. In modern American society it is customary to have both families at the wedding ceremony. It is said, that at that time, both families are joined. Anyone who’s gone through this process knows the families, in fact, are not joined in any way. So what is happening. Like all things, it’s complicated…

“Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace

Originates from the Christian wedding ceremony. It’s declaration means that this moment is your last chance to voice any objections.

Before and after the wedding ceremony both families are clearly distinct, and they will continue to make that clear in many spoken or unspoken ways. Nothing has happened to the people attending the wedding that would cause their status to change. The two spouses on the other hand have distinctly changed for all to see and that is were the mystery begins to unfold. Yes, marriage changes your relationship. Both attending parties witnessing the merger understand it can not be broken or divided by external forces. That’s were the phrase, “Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace”, comes from. It means you can speak up that these two people shouldn’t be joined before the words, “By The Power Vested In Me By The State Of New York, I Now Pronounce You Husband and Husband”. After that statement, any words of objection are meaningless because what was once two people is now one and they can’t be divided.

Gay Young Old Marriage
Wedding Rings are a Symbol of the Indivisible and Continuous

Marriage is an agreement with everyone in your community, that these two people are not to ever be treated as separate or divisible. Friend or family who come between a married couple or attempt to alienate one spouse from another risks being exiled from the friendship and cast away by all others who approved the marriage and continue to support it. Only a marriage has that social agreement as part of its construct.

Marriage is a legal and social contract that virtually unites two people as one. That’s what makes marriage different. That’s what all that stuff in the bible is about, why Domestic Partnership is a distant second, and why gay marriage was so controversial in the 2015 supreme court case.

This may be obvious to some of you… When you get married people will ask you if it changes your relationship. It does, for everyone else.

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  1. Hi Fritz and Bill,
    My name is Michael (59 yrs) and my husband’s name is Brett (32 yrs). There is a 27 yr difference in age between us. We have been married now for 4 years and have been together for 8 years. We were married in a traditional and also non-traditional Jewish ceremony attended by close family and friends. I came out when I was 49 where I was married to a wonderful woman for more than 30+ years and have 2 incredible adult children. I basically waited until both kids moved out of the house to go to college and I could afford to keep them and their mother in the style which they were accustomed.
    Prior to coming out, I was in therapy for 5 years and this wasn’t the first time I was in therapy. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a teen due to depression and sexuality issues.
    My husband was not out to his family or friends when we first met and over time he found the strength, with huge supports from me and came out slowly. He tells me that he felt he had to come out twice – once for being gay and then again for the men he was attracted to.
    We are very fortunate that both of our family’s are very loving and supportive. Some holidays we celebrate with my family which includes my ex-wife, her mother and brother, along with my kids. His family is a traditional Chinese family and they too are very loving and supportive. They say that I’m a firecracker and have livened up many parties and dinners.
    It would be interesting to explore the family and work dynamic of a GYO relationship. The family for us has always been fine but there have been some “weird” moments; especially in dealing with our being in a GYO relationship and the fact that I am Jewish.
    The other thing I might suggest is to explore the work dynamic. I’m a retired special education teacher and school principal with more than 32+ years of experience. I was out at work and Brett attended all functions. The one thing I couldn’t do was kiss Brett in public meetings. Holding his hand, giving him a hug, introducing him as all fine but the kissing was too hard for me. Brett on the other hand did not come out at work for some time. When he did, he also had to explain things about me. Work was fine and supportive. The company hosts a HUGE, 3000+ person holiday party at a wharf in San Francisco.
    It was there that we both were comfortable with the things I mentioned above and also kissing. One year they took a pic of us kissing in a romantic setting, on the Pier, lights on the boats in the bay kind of thing. The pic was used in some Company publicity about what the company does, what they stand for, etc. The pic was with several other pics of employees and their special people they brought to the party.

    I can just imagine average Joe truck driver in Oklahoma having to deal with this issue. Size and place may be different but not the dynamics.

    Another off the wall idea is to have GYO Buddy Couples in different areas who are willing and trained to help other people and couples deal with the issues of beginning a relationship like ours.

    Well fellas, I really like what you are doing and wish it was around when I was grasping for information.