Dating isn’t easy if you’re doing it right. Being attracted to a different age group only makes it harder. Gay Young Old (GYO) dating brings its own significant struggles. It can make a tenuous situation even more turbulent. Life for everyone is different but I recommend before you start the search for a serious commitment you have these basic staples in place: come out to family and friends, have a stable job or monthly income that keeps you self-sufficient and have an apartment or a home that offers some modicum of privacy. It’s hard to make a serious commitment to another man when you are living with your parents or your ex-boyfriend. You can fudge on these a little, but it is really strong advice.
Here are the 8 rules to GYO dating that will ensure the man you are seeing now is the man you want to be with years from now.
Scour all sources for potential local dates.
Some guys are “waiting for the right one“ but have you noticed they aren’t doing anything to seek out a romantic interest? It’s no wonder they are alone. Dating is hard work and you have to put yourself out there. Good dating involves searching and research, keeping your senses about you and being very active socially. A good man does not just fall into your lap. You uncover them using all your resources. They are hidden, and you find them. If they were easy to find some else would have already. Don’t just use one website or you’ll end up finding the perfect guy 2000 miles away. (long distance relationships almost never work.) When I was dating I had accounts on at least seven different major GYO dating sites.
Go on many dates with many men.
It sounds slutty but if you really want to find the one you must date a lot of men. I’m not saying go out and be a slut. You can be very selective with whom you choose to have sex with and be safe about it. Keep in mind there are lot of STDs. Go on dates with at least 10 to 20 different men. It could be just coffee, a dinner, or a movie. Maybe you have a walk in the park. The point is you are meeting a bunch of different guys. You will know what you like and what you don’t. Initially you can be picky and start to narrow the list. You know you’ve been successful when you end up with three really great guys that are interested in you, and you’re having a hard time deciding which one you like more.
Have sex with a few men.
While you’re dating, it’s perfectly fine to have a few sex partners and they don’t have to know about each other. (He will likely be seeing other people too.) There are no rules to dating and you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t have to be exclusive with somebody you just met, in fact, you shouldn’t. Your dating life is your business. Avoid sharing all the details of who you’re seeing. If he asks, don’t lie but if he wants details say something like, “I’m seeing other people I assume you are too, but it’s not fair to you or them to share details” or “I’m not ready to make any commitments. Right now we’re just dating and having fun. I’m hoping something develops”. The point is you are free and dating but still uncommitted. If he likes you, he will have to put in the effort and you will have to, too.
While you’re dating, be the best version of yourself.
You’ve heard the advice “Just be yourself“. It’s terrible advice. Some people think it means tell your date all you’re past sexual exploits, use foul language, don’t try too hard, don’t clean your apartment, and start irrational arguments because “that’s the real you”. Fortunately or unfortunately this isn’t a successful strategy. Dating is you putting your best foot forward, feeling good about yourself and representing yourself in the best light. You’re still being yourself but you are playing to win. Hopefully your date will see the effort you’re putting in and reward you in kind.
Measure how good the man is not how good the sex was.
Date guys that make you physically excited. Be turned on but don’t make the mistake of using great sex as a measure for whether you have a good potential relationship. Some [gay] men think you should establish good sexual compatibility (even on the first date) and that’s the first step towards great marriage. Sure, sex on a date is fun and self-gratifying but chemistry in the bedroom doesn’t make a long-lasting relationship. In fact, good sex can mask a failing relationship. Try not having sex with a man for the first, second or even third date. This will build up expectation but also confirm that both of you are interested in more than just sex. The backbone of good marriage is emotional compatibility and the ability to negotiate and compromise. Sex is a fun but distant second.
Date a few men for a few months and move slowly.
After a few months of seeing two or three guys, you will feel more affectionate toward one man. As you become more sure, be honest with the men you aren’t as interested in. Let them down easy, be nice, and don’t tell them why it didn’t work out. Say something like, “I’m seeing somebody else“ or “I’m not feeling it anymore”. There are many criterion that go in to choosing the right man. It’s not just about physical attraction and whether you have a good time together. Consider where you are in your lives, financial responsibilities (Yes money is a factor), friends and familial relationships and emotional stability. Also think about whether the person is physically available or whether they will be around enough to establish an emotional commitment.
Avoid the “L” Word
Don’t make sudden decisions and don’t use the L word for at least three months while dating.
During the first few months of dating your feelings will vacillate. Some weeks you will be hot with enthusiasm and excitement. Other weeks you’ll feel less impressed. If things are going well, you want to just blurt out something like “I don’t know how to say this, I think I’m falling in love with you”. Equally, he will likely be going through some emotional swings and trying to sort out how you will fit into his life. Allow these processes to happen naturally without the influence of such powerful words being exchanged. The feelings will be there whether you say them out loud or not. The only thing using the “L” word will do is artificially influence the natural exchange. Using the L word could possibly cause you to rush into something that you or he doesn’t have the longterm conviction to support.
Have The Talk About Exclusivity
Gay men often feel they’ve been cheated on when they find out the man they are dating is sleeping with someone else. When asked, it turns out they never had “the talk”.
After you are months into dating, you have narrowed your list to one or two men, and you’re thinking about using the L word. You should have the talk about if you’re both on the same page with the direction of your establishing relationship. Do you both want exclusivity or monogamy and is he still seeing other people? Do you want to continue to have an open relationship? This is the time to talk about things like this. There are no rules until you establish them between each other.
If you’re dating and using these 8 rules, you will likely find man of your dreams. You can fudge here and there but ultimately these are good dating tips for anyone GYO, gay, straight or whatever. The whole point of this is that there is power in numbers and by dating many people widowing down the list based on meaningful criteria to just a few and then making the hard decision to pick one you eliminate the potential for a bad match. Have thoughts of your own, or don’t agree with my conclusions? Share in the comments below. Let’s hear some of your thoughts on GYO dating.
Until the rules of monogamy or exclusivity are established there are no rules. You’re allowed to see whoever you want, whenever you want and you don’t answer to anybody.
Avoid the L word until you are steady in your confidence and feelings and you are months into the relationship.
Don’t base the significance of your relationship on the amazing physical connection you two have.
Gay men generally live in urban areas for safety and culture.
Watch out for flakes and don’t be a flake. Avoid canceling on people or ghosting.
Watch out for warning signs, drug and alcohol use, OCD/Manic/bipolar, emotional instability, anger and rage, a criminal record, financial and job instability, lying/manipulating/narcissism.